I pride myself on being a strong woman in general. I also pride myself in being a positive female role model for my step daughter. I’ve been a fixture in her life since she was 7 years old, and having a daughter of my own, I feel like I’ve been given an opportunity to “try it out” before I’m put to the test in many issues. Science Fair projects, homework, fair weather friends, you name it, I’ve done it with my step daughter and I feel it’s better prepared me for when my own daughter faces it.
Until now…
My step daughter has hit the dreaded pre-teen, teenage years. I sit here floundering like a fish out of water because I have NO IDEA what I’m doing (like most parents). And add to this, I’m also, NOT HER PARENT. I’m not her mother. I’m not her father. I get to stand on the sidelines and watch a possible train wreck and there is little to nothing I can do to stop it.
Makeup, inappropriate clothing, cursing, BOYS, bad friends. You name it, in the past four months, it’s become an issue. On one hand, it’s helped me realize that I was being a bit archaic about my morals and principals, but on the other, it makes me want to become an alcoholic.
To put it mildly, I’m terrified.
You see, when you are step mother to a teenage girl, the world turns upside down. You can pretty much bet money that you and her biological mother are two completely different people with two completely different sets of opinions. In my situation, my SD’s BM has admitted to hanging out with boy’s way older than her when she was 12 years old. This led to her smoking cigarettes and smoking pot. Add to this, a mother who wasn’t interested in being a parent, and you have BM moving out to live with her boyfriend when she was 16. Now, I had the fear of God in my mother. While she was lenient to a point, but for the most part, I knew better. I did smoke. I didn’t do it until I was 15 and then became a regular smoker when I was 17. I tried a handful of the lesser drugs at 16. I started dating at 16 and got married at 19. So while I wasn’t the most awesome child either, I was a little later in my stages.
Kids are going to do what kids are going to do. There’s no stopping it. Especially in a day and age where all these things are shoved at them via the internet, the TV, the radio. It doesn’t matter if you cut the cable off, take away their radio, and password protect the computer because they have FRIENDS. And sadly, some of their friend’s parents are not anywhere NEAR as diligent with their children as you are.
Then add to that, you have two different opinions on the parenting front. By now, maybe the biological parents have gotten to a point that they can at least tolerate each other for the betterment of the children. Maybe they haven’t. Either way, these are two people that couldn’t make their relationship work, and their opinions haven’t suddenly morphed to the different. Teenagers can smell blood, sniff out weakness. They know who to go to when they want to do something specific and they know which parent to leave in the dark. For example, your teenage step daughter wants to wear low cut tank tops to school (because it gets her male attention). Dad, obviously, is not going to approve. But SOMEONE is buying these clothes, Mom. With two different households, you can apply rules at your house all day long, but if the other household says it’s okay…there’s not a shitload you can do about it.
Dad says SD can’t date until she’s 16. Mom lets her go out on dates at 13. What can you do? Nothing. You can only hope that you’ve given her the tools to make good decisions and hope like hell she listens.
Not to mention, Men function differently than women do. Men are problem solvers. They see a problem; they attack the problem and do their best to solve it. Women are worriers. They see a problem, address it, and then worry about what the ramifications are for the future.
Can I tell my step daughter not to have a boyfriend at 12? No. I can’t. Neither can her father. Even if we tell her not to, she’s going to do it anyway; she’ll just do it behind our backs. We can’t lock her in the house; she’ll just decide she wants to go live with her mother. We can’t get down on our knees and beg her to make good decisions. She’s going to do what she wants.
It’s so hard as a parent, and especially a step parent to take a step back and go “They are going to do it anyway.” Because I know, in my heart of hearts, that my step daughter, my daughter, and my step son are going to make some bad decisions in their life. They are going to try smoking, nicotine and other wise. They are going to date before I think they are ready. They are going to have premarital sex. They are going to get drunk at a party. AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO STOP IT.
I smoke. DH smokes. BM smokes. BM’s DH smokes. The kids hate it. I can only hope that they see what we all go through (both I and my DH have attempted to quit for extended amounts of time and the kids have been witness to the things we had to go through) and make a decision not to continue. They are going to have sex. I can only help them protect themselves. They are going to go to parties and get wasted. I have to make sure they know to call one of us for a ride home.
I just wish it wasn’t happening so soon. I didn’t think I’d be dealing with any of this until high school. Why now? What has happened in society that 12 is the new 16? I’m not READY for this. The word “teenager” fills me with a sense of dread so potent I get sick to my stomach. The kicker is that I’m not even her biological parent. Even worse, my SD has always been the responsible one.
I wish for chastity belts and bubbles. I really do. But I know that’s not reality and I can’t forcibly voluntarily stunt my children, step or otherwise. It’s in my nature, a parent’s nature, to move mountains to protect the children. I by no means am going to stand idly by and watch her flounder and just go “Oh well, not my kid, not my problem.” I’m going to be there every step of the way. For good or for worse. Sometimes I am going to be “the bad guy”. Sometimes I’m going to be “the confidant”. And there is a very distinct possibility that in the next six years, my step daughter is going to wind up hating the very ground I walk on, but I have to do it. I have to help parent, because I care, because I love her, because I worry for her future.
I do.
Even though I’m just her step mother.
No comments:
Post a Comment