Hilarity....

Now I understand that PBF (Psycho Bitch Face aka BM) lives in an alternate reality. I also understand that no amount of us "stating the facts" or "trying to tell her she's wrong" is going to get through her head. It's really a fruitless gesture, thought the last e-mail she sent over the weekend, REALLY makes me want to try. Such GLARING conflicts with this information she presents us and the facts. SO bad that I'm still bugging about it on Monday when the e-mail came over on Friday....*sigh*.

So my solution, as per usual is to blog about it.

Background so you'll know what I'm talking about when I respond to this crazy thing, when BM sent us the original e-mail Wednesday night, DH did not respond well. We were pretty harsh. I mean, why in the hell does she think that her little 6/8 schedule would be so much better for the kids? Why does she balk so hard at 50/50? Of course, I have my opinions (as I'm sure you do...money money money) but her response was priceless (and yes we brought up the CPS thing as well....)

Her response....that SHE was the only one concerned with their "academics". SHE was the only one concerned about their SAFETY and well being and all we seemed to want to do was be the fun parents. Then once SD's freedom was taken away at OUR house, SD didn't want to see us anymore....and she uses the example of SD not having an iPhone because of HER and how we gave BD one....

Oh, and...(and this is the best part), what her husband did to SD (you know, slapping her across the face and blacking her fucking eye) was essentially the same as when I "refused" to pack SD a sandwich in her lunch and dumped a plate of food on my kids head, and when my "mother" sprayed BD in the face with a soda....and she didn't give a shit if it was just a sandwich, I was trying to prove a POINT....

So...as I'm sure you can guess...everything written in those two paragraphs is complete and utter bullshit. And honestly, I'd love to set her straight. Since it will do no good, I'm typing MY response here. Just to get it the hell out of me, so maybe I can stop getting irritated about this stupid shit...

BM,

I'm well aware you despise the ground I walk on, and aren't going to listen to a damn thing I have to say, but I felt compelled to respond to your last little tirade instead of DH. This one takes the cake. Seriously. I've known for quite some time that you have a tendancy to "bend" the truth to pacify yourself, but man, this last e-mail, woman, you are a straight up delusional...

You are more concerned than DH about the kids academics....This coming from the woman who was going to school herself and couldn't even bother herself to take FIVE FUCKING MINUTES out of her day to go through her son's backpack for over a year.....OVER A YEAR BM. During the entire time SD has been in middle school, you haven't been to an open house one, nor could you be bothered to come to SS's this year. Sure, you've suddenly started being the grade Nazi and sending e-mails to all the kids teachers with your perceived "concern" about their struggles...I really wasn't aware that straight A's (for SS) and all A's and ONE B (for SD) was a struggle....sounds to me like both those kids are kicking ass at school....and DH is the one helping them with all their homework...oh you might be engineering SD's science project (the one you are forcing her to do btw) but one project a year does not mother of the year make sweetheart....

As far as their safety, we already know that you don't agree with anything that goes on in our house, but I feel like I need to make two points here. Number one, BD does not have an iPhone. She has an iTouch. I know you know the difference because your own mother bought SD an iTouch and she broke it. Remember that? Remember how you took it from her and brought it to court so you could show your attorney e-mails while we were waiting for the judge? Yeah, that's not an iPhone dear...

Second, SD actually wanting to spend time with you now has NOTHING to do with being punished at our house sweetheart. It has to do with the fact that you decided to step up and be her fucking mother for once. After you had to beg your own daughter for a second chance...pathetic...All your daughter wants from you is attention. You hate me because she clings to me like a life raft. She just wants a motherly love. If you would give that to her on a regular basis instead of when she's decided she's through with you, you might actually see a regular SD/SM relationship form between her and I. Just saying.

Now, for the big one. I honestly can not believe that you are likening physical ABUSE to me forgetting to pack SD a sandwich. I KNOW you have been told what happened that day and are warping it to make your precious little husband seem better but here it is again. The day in question, I woke up at 4 AM in so much pain that I COULD NOT BREATH. I hadn't packed anyone lunches that morning. I packed BOTH girls chips, a drink, a snack, AND A PREPACKED COUNT OF SIX PEANUT BUTTER/CHEESE CRACKERS INSTEAD OF A SANDWICH. Yes, INSTEAD. Once they were off to school, I went to the doctor and then got stuck in the hospital all afternoon while the doctors were convinced I was going to up and die with a blood clot all of the sudden. Yes, when your daughter came to me and bitched about not having a sandwich I got butthurt because she was not the least bit concerned that I had been in fucking hospital all day, she was just concerned that she didn't have a goddamn sandwich in her lunch. I told her straight up that I packed her lunch out of the kindness of my heart and if she didn't like it, she could make her own from here on out. I DID NOT do any of it to "prove a point". And sorry, but that whole thing is not abuse and you are batshit crazy if you think it is. Not to mention it happened four fucking years ago. In addition, the food on the head story is seriously getting old. It's tired and the only reason you keep using it after five years is because I happen to be a good fucking step parent and YOU CAN'T STAND IT. Oh, and my MOTHER did not spray BD in the face with soda. That was my GRANDMOTHER, and it was a fucking ACCIDENT.

So these three things....over a five year period.....are all you want to bitch about....and all these are abuse according to you, and just as bad as your husband laying hands on SD. It breaks my heart that you believe this shit. It really does. That you won't, not for two seconds, take a step back and look at what a piece of shit you married. Oh wait, but that would require you admitting you are wrong....and we all know that won't happen.

And finally, I'm sure you are doing it to irritate me, but I know you know how to spell my first name correctly. You do it on all the kids forms and paperwork and most of the time in e-mail. Except when you are pissed at either DH or I. Bless your little heart....It's a really sweet tell....

Oh....and piss off,
SM

Sometimes...

Last night I took a bubble bath.

I cried, for a good ten minutes while I was in there....

Sometimes this step mother thing, it's too fucking hard. It's heartbreaking and soul sucking and I feel like I can't handle it. I want to throw up my hands and walk away and say I don't give a shit anymore. I don't CARE if the kids want to live with their mother all the time. I don't CARE that she talks shit about us at every opportunity and tries to turn the kids against us. That I just don't care...

But I do...and that's what is breaking my heart...

BM and SD had a conversation a few weeks ago, when all the crazy shit went down. Basically SD said she was tired of the back and forth and she thought it only made sense for her to stay with us full time. Of course, BM only took the portion of THAT conversation that she wanted, the "I'm tired of the back and forth" and decided to make alternate schedules. Well Wednesday night, SD comes down the stairs and BM is working on an Excel spreadsheet schedule. BM offers a 6 days with us and 8 days with her schedule and an alternate of every Thursday with us and Friday through Monday overnight the first, third, and fifth weekends of the month. Both schedule's flipping in the summer. BM asks SD which one she likes and SD says the 6/8. Then SS comes down the stairs and BM asks him. SS asks SD which one she picked and SD wouldn't tell him, so he stalled and then finally, when pressed said 6/8 and asked SD if that's what she picked...

Then of course, in typical BM fashion, she sends us an e-mail stating the kids came to HER and offered their schedule ideas and she is simply presenting them to DH....

Now obviously, we have issues with BM having the kids for 8 straight days. It's bad enough that she talks about us the way she does to the kids now, and forces them to drink the PAS koolaid, but her having them for eight straight days?!?!?! Not okay with that. Of course DH talked to SD and SD said she didn't want to do that anymore, blah blah blah.

I'm just so heartbroken. WHY can't BM just leave the kids alone? Why does this constantly have to be a fucking competition to try to get the kids to love her more? Why can't she just leave everything alone?

Of course, my nagging stepmother sixth sense is telling me that she wants us to enter into an agreed order that way we loose everything prior to this. The whole CPS thing, the whole SD not wanting to live with her. Everything....which is why I am digging my heels in.

She has an agenda...of that I'm sure. I just want her to leave the kids out of it. This isn't fair...

What I deserve....

(Disclaimer: This post does NOT in any way shape, fashion, or form, mean my marriage is in any hot water or jeopardy or anything else. My marriage is perfectly fine.)

I've survived a whoooooole bunch of needless shit in my life. Shit that one wouldn't wish on their worst enemy.

I was joking with my Mom the other night, that it was a pure fluke that with no therapy, only my pure will, my friends, and my family, have I managed to work through it all and turn out the way I did. Sometimes I'm convinced I'm a badass.

Other times I'm not so sure. The doubt sneaks up and laces into my brain and tries to make me feel like I'm less of a person. That I'm NOT so awesome. I'm NOT as strong as I think I am. I'm NOT so badass....

Sadly, that generally happens when the seasons change from summer to fall. I get nostalgic and sometimes not in a good way.

So I wanted to write this blog for me. For when I get that feeling that I'm not as awesome as I think I am. So I can see and re-affirm in my head what I deserve, because at the end of the day, I DO deserve to have the best. I deserve to be happy. Not because of everything I've been through, but because I'm NOT a victim. Because I worked long and hard to get where I am today and I SHOULD be proud, because I have EARNED my right to be this badass. I have faced the demons and come out on the other side, slightly scarred, but healed on the inside and out. I AM OKAY.


What I deserve.

I deserve to have a love that is fierce. That is long and unending and will never die. I deserve to have a love that doesn't rely on the physical at all times. A love that is just as comfortable on the couch watching a movie as it is in between the sheets. A love that will risk all because they think I, little old me, is worth it all. I deserve friendships that are unwavering. Even over the course of life and time. Friendships that can have intelligent bantering conversations about opposite views and make it through without hurt feelings and heartbreak. I deserve people who will stand behind me, even if I'm wrong, because they love me anyway, and gently nudge me back to the right without ever having to say a word. I deserve a good job. One I enjoy. It may not pay great, and I may not be busy all the time, but it's a good job and I EARNED it. I deserve to have hobbies that I enjoy. I deserve to enjoy my space at home. I deserve to have nice things. I deserve to ENJOY MY LIFE.

That is what I deserve.

And I'm perfectly, 100 percent okay with all of that.

Hold onto your hats....

As of yesterday, I am officially a stepmother to a TEENAGE GIRL......

To say I can already feel the gray hairs starting is putting it mildly...

I had the random thought this morning in the car that I'd already gone through this (this being teenage-dom) and I wasn't sure I was qualified to guide not one but TWO girls through it. I will regardless, but still, kindof feels like some cruel joke.

Not to mention that as I stare at pictures of my step daughter, I am struck by the thought that this kid DOES NOT look 13....worse, she looks 16. It's hard to see the girl that I met five years ago in her face. That little chubby happy kid that loved pink, riding bikes, and thought I was super duper awesome. Now she's a lady. It's frightening.

Here comes the wild roller coaster ride that all parents dread....and she's just the first in a line of them. Weeeee......