Sometimes...

Last night I took a bubble bath.

I cried, for a good ten minutes while I was in there....

Sometimes this step mother thing, it's too fucking hard. It's heartbreaking and soul sucking and I feel like I can't handle it. I want to throw up my hands and walk away and say I don't give a shit anymore. I don't CARE if the kids want to live with their mother all the time. I don't CARE that she talks shit about us at every opportunity and tries to turn the kids against us. That I just don't care...

But I do...and that's what is breaking my heart...

BM and SD had a conversation a few weeks ago, when all the crazy shit went down. Basically SD said she was tired of the back and forth and she thought it only made sense for her to stay with us full time. Of course, BM only took the portion of THAT conversation that she wanted, the "I'm tired of the back and forth" and decided to make alternate schedules. Well Wednesday night, SD comes down the stairs and BM is working on an Excel spreadsheet schedule. BM offers a 6 days with us and 8 days with her schedule and an alternate of every Thursday with us and Friday through Monday overnight the first, third, and fifth weekends of the month. Both schedule's flipping in the summer. BM asks SD which one she likes and SD says the 6/8. Then SS comes down the stairs and BM asks him. SS asks SD which one she picked and SD wouldn't tell him, so he stalled and then finally, when pressed said 6/8 and asked SD if that's what she picked...

Then of course, in typical BM fashion, she sends us an e-mail stating the kids came to HER and offered their schedule ideas and she is simply presenting them to DH....

Now obviously, we have issues with BM having the kids for 8 straight days. It's bad enough that she talks about us the way she does to the kids now, and forces them to drink the PAS koolaid, but her having them for eight straight days?!?!?! Not okay with that. Of course DH talked to SD and SD said she didn't want to do that anymore, blah blah blah.

I'm just so heartbroken. WHY can't BM just leave the kids alone? Why does this constantly have to be a fucking competition to try to get the kids to love her more? Why can't she just leave everything alone?

Of course, my nagging stepmother sixth sense is telling me that she wants us to enter into an agreed order that way we loose everything prior to this. The whole CPS thing, the whole SD not wanting to live with her. Everything....which is why I am digging my heels in.

She has an agenda...of that I'm sure. I just want her to leave the kids out of it. This isn't fair...