Rock meet hardplace

I am so torn and irritated.

SD has five absences, 10 tardies. God only knows how many SS has.

Of the absences, only ONE, was because SD was actually sick.

I logged onto the school website today and see she's missed 1st period. Then at lunch, I log on again and there are absences for 1st through 5th period.

Guess who's not in school today....

God only knows the reason THIS time, but I swear to god if the BABY is the reason, and when she actually DID wake up she just didn't feel like taking them, I'm going to be tempted to choke a bitch.

I mean, what do we really do? WE are the address for the school, so even if we explain the situation to a truancy officer, and give them BM's addy, there's no guarantee that anything will actually come of it.

Should we take her to court, she'll probably play the poor pitiful me card, I live all the way across the city and I just had a new bbbbaaaaaby and I can't get the kids to school on time. Then the judge will switch them to HER schools because they buy her bullshit excuses.

Hell, sometimes I wonder if she's not doing this shit on PURPOSE so she can have an excuse in court to get them in her schools. I try not to give her too much credit but she's proven herself to be a giant manipulative bitch.

We are truly between a rock and a hard place...

What you can't control, you should let it go!

This is what I keep repeating to myself over and over again lately, ever since BM had her baby.

She did take SS out of daycare and is picking him up directly from school everyday. SD is riding the bus on our days only. It'll be interesting to see how many tardies they rack up this week though, since BM's mom took them to school last week on her days.

I have DH carrying his papers just in case, but there weren't any issues on our days about when he went to pick them up.

As it gets closer to Xmas though I wonder when and if she's going to try to hit us with schedule change conversation again. I thought we had made it fairly clear that we weren't interested in the end and I'm pretty sure SD has made it clear she's not interested in that either anymore but we'll see.

But that's not the point of this entry.

Last night, I had a nightmare that she called and wanted to change the schedule by like an hour or something. Seriously. And I blew up in the dream, was like raging in the background while DH was on the phone with her about how selfish she was and how we weren't doing anything to convienence her. THEN, I grabbed the phone from him and started raging at her directly.

Needless to say, it was not a pleasant dream.

But when I woke up (to the wind whipping around the eves of the house at 2:30 AM, brrrrr) it just reminded me that I'm letting her wind me up for no reason. I can't control ANYTHING she does. I'm working progessively to letting it all go.

Hopefully by the end of this run, with only seeing her briefly for like a drop off or pick up on one day for the next 11 weeks, it'll be better. Honestly, this ISN'T my fight anyway, it's DH's. I'm just the backup, to make sure she's not running him over.

I think her absence is going to do me some good.

Let's all blame the SM!

I'm always looking for a reason if BM is being nice and cordial. I'm always thinking she's up to something. Just generic, given her behavior to us over the past few years.

But sometimes, I think SD goes and does shit on purpose to make her mother hate me. Yesterday, BM told SD that she was going to pick them up from school. I told SD that I put her clothes out from her Mom's and that she needed to either make sure she brought back what she wore over there or she needed to wear those clothes. She told me she was going to wear those clothes. I go to work, DH goes to work. All is good.

About a year ago, I was going through some of my clothes and getting rid of things. Well SD and BD went through the stack and picked out a few things. SD begged me for this ridiculously oversized Jager shirt from the Staind tour I went to several years ago. I gave it to her, and specifically told her that she could wear it as a nightshirt but she was NOT to wear it to school.

What does the kid do? She wore it to school yesterday. Of course, the SECOND she gets in her Mom's car, her Mom sends a text to DH "Why is SD wearing a Jager shirt???" and DH responds "I have no idea, when I left this morning she was still in her PJ's."

Guess who's getting blamed for that shit now? Yup..me. What the fuck ever dude, I mean, if it makes her feel so much better to make me out to be this giant bitch, more power to her, but still. SD isn't the type of kid that just forgets shit like that. She KNEW damn well that her mother would pitch a fit about the shirt. She KNEW damn well that her mother was picking her up from school. And I'm going to tell her as much this evening when I get home as well. And I'm going to make the comment that she may think I am stupid when it comes to this stuff, but I'm not. I try to stay out of the way as much as possible and if she's going to continue to make bad decisions, then she's going to continue to not be trusted.

The Unknown

Honestly, I hate being a worrier. Especially over stuff that really has no impact on me whatsoever. Stuff that I seriously cannot control and cannot change.

BM spawned last week.

We never know what to expect from her. She says one thing and then does something completely different. When SD started middle school, DH started picking up SS and BD and BM would just show up whenever she felt like it after work to pick them up on her days. That's been the norm for a year and half. When she was in school, she'd constantly dump them off on us because of some important thing she had to do for school, etc.

A few months ago, BM "advised" us that her tentative plan was to pick SS up directly from school everyday once she had her baby and that DH could pick him up from her house at 6 PM. That once she went back to work, the StepDad would pick him up from school and DH could pick him up from her house at 6 PM. Now of course, we reminded her (for the gazillionth time) that pickup is when he gets out of school, and even though DH is working, her attorney did talk the judge into changing HER summer pick-up time to 4 PM so DH should be able to pick up SS when he gets off work. As far as I know, SD would continue to ride the bus to our house on our days.

Immediately today I'm worried that she's going to try to pull something with the pickup time. Honestly, with the hustle and bustle, I don't even know if she's had time (though I figure to save $215 a month she probably did) to pull SS out of daycare yet. So there is a small chance that we'll have nothing to worry about this month at all. She didn't say anything once she was reminded but considering the amount of times we've HAD to remind her, there is no telling what she's got in her head.

Then on top of that, I feel bad that DH has to drive all the way over there to get SS. I know there is nothing we can do about her taking him out of daycare, considering that there is a parent available to care for him after school, it's understandable. A judge would think the same. My biggest continued worries are the baby is going to wake her up multiple times a night, leaving her missing her alarm in the morning and the kids are going to see a hefty increase in tardies. Then if she starts picking SS up from school, she is going to be busy with the baby, so SS is going to struggle with his homework and his grades are going to tank.

Then on top of that, there's a chance a million things could happen. It's sad that I hope that baby is a big hassle so she'll slack off and everything will go back to the way it is now, no matter how much joy it filled me with that I wouldn't even have to LOOK at her for twelve whole weeks. Hell, for all I know, this one might turn her mother gene back on and she'll actually step up and be a real parent.

I like knowing what's going on with my day to day. I like knowing what's going on with my husband's day to day. The same for the kids. I like knowing where they are, who's picking them up, dropping them off, etc. This is just such a pain.

My OCD is showing...*sigh*

Miracle

Ladies (and gents), I need your help.

A friend of mine that I've been friends with since high school has been struggling with fertility issues. Her husband and she want nothing more than to have their own precious bundle of joy to have and hold forever. Of ANYONE I have ever been around in my entire life, these two are probably the most perfect parents a child could ever ask for. In a world of surprise pregnancies and people getting prego to keep other people, these two just flat out DESERVE to have a baby. I honestly couldn't name a couple more deserving.

She has had two miscarriages and one etopic. All resulted in losses. They just started IVF and had to implant three eggs due to some complications. She got a positive test. Then the doctor called and told her that her betas weren't doubling as they should and she probably miscarried...

All of the sudden, when all hope was lost, they called and said WAIT, good news, your beta's went back up! So there is at least one baby in there. I need everyone, young and old, please, pray for my friend Kat. I have never met another woman stronger than her. I, personally, don't think I would have emotionally survived everything she has been through in this quest. Hell, I'm tearing up right now just thinking of her finally getting her takehome baby. So please, when you get a chance, send a prayer to whomever you pray to (ala, buddha, god, goddess, you get the picture) and please pray for her and her husband.

Thank you all.

Stepmom Overdrive

In real news, lol, a VERY good friend of mine wrote this and e-mailed it to me this morning. With her permission, I have posted it below as I honestly think it's too damn good not to share! This is how I feel with my stepdaughter almost all the time and just can't capture in words. Thank you Evenstar. You rock. xoxox.

Stepmom Overdrive

At thirty-seven and a half years old, I wonder about the years I’ve spent raising my two stepchildren, a girl, 14, and a boy, 11, and if it’s been time well-spent or if it’s been wasted years.

From the vantage point of my husband, it’s been time well-spent. My efforts have allowed him to concentrate on his own devices without the guilt of feeling like his children have been neglected of a mother-figure. I do all the mom stuff; the cooking, the cleaning, the nagging. It comes by instinct and I didn’t need any serious direction to get the essentials done. So, he lucked out in that department.

From the vantage point of my mother-in-law, her beloved grandchildren gained a surrogate mother to do the same things listed above. Add in the quotient of genuine love I have for my stepkids and the backbreaking labor I have performed for them, and she was able to rest assured her son and grandkids were receiving the best care I could possibly give them.

From the vantage point of the kids? Well, I guess it depends upon which era of their young lives you look to for an answer. When they were both younger, like, nine and six, they had someone to tend to them, mend their boo boos, fix them food, shuttle them to school and doctor’s appointments, work for their teachers, and basically pay attention to them.

My stepdaughter began to age as children are wont to do, and she started to look for more solidarity with her real mother, a woman who did not seek custody outside of an every other weekend visitation scheme, and my stepdaughter’s discontent and frustration began to manifest itself in new ways that I found very disconcerting. She didn’t want my micromanagement or constant tending, and although that was what had been the status quo for a handful of years, it was not going to play well with the emerging personality of my stepdaughter, and I had to reconcile with that after some painful reflection. These were the cards, and I could either play them or fold. I was not ready to fold.

My stepson on the other hand had only grown under my wing. Ironically, I did not believe that he and I would become close and when that relationship evolved into something much more intense than a step-parent/step-child stereotypical relationship I felt unprepared on a number of occasions of how viscerally protective I felt about him. Even to this day I am not sure where the line between biological parent and stepparent is drawn. I understand I am not his mother, but I sure do feel like his mother. I suppose it is as close to the real thing I will ever get.

The kids’ mother has had two additional children in the last four years, and although I do not want to focus on her for the duration of this essay, it is impossible to ignore her role in my life. It is also very easy to sling arrows at a person whom I disdain and have such judgmental feelings about, but my happiness is based upon my personal choices, and I only have control over my own choices. A couple of old friends wrote some essays about self control and I’ve recently reviewed them, leading to this narrative. So to them I’d like to offer my gratitude and hopefully again evolve and grow from this reflection.

See, although my steplife has not been perfect, it has, by comparison to others’, been quite ideal. The biological mother may rear her head Putin-style every blue moon, but her invasion is mostly psychological through the brainwashing she does to my stepdaughter who desperately needs to believe a redeeming narrative about her mother. A narrative that excuses all past transgressions, explains away all the non-cohesive story lines, fills in all the gaps. Generally these narratives portray the mother in a victim’s light, with my husband, and I guess by association, me, in the roles of grand oppressors and truth-benders.

This is where being the custodial stepmother has been my greatest asset, along with my natural drive to nurture and protect and love. My stepdaughter has history as her guide to the future, and her history with my husband and me is one of consistency, fruition of most promises, constant support and involvement.  If anyone, including my stepdaughter, wants to challenge me, I will refer to our track record and rest most content upon those laurels. There have been times, of course, wherein we have demonstrated our faulty humanity, but show me an intact first family where that hasn’t been the case and I will eat a bat.

I have sat literally for hours weaving explanations about why things aren’t as complicated as they may appear to a teenage girl. I try very hard to speak to her on a level that will not be considered condescending. Unfortunately, my stepdaughter must believe much of what I say, even though what I say often times are half-truths. Her mother has transgressed against her father in myriad documented ways (from third-party financial sources), court judgments have ruled against her, and finally, ultimately, the prima facie evidence that her mother has chosen not to pursue more custody of my stepdaughter and her brother. But am I allowed to communicate this evidence as a means to explain the strain between the households? No, I am not. As much as I would like to, especially during moments of duress, I cannot. It is not my place, and even if I did, this information would be received as hostility, jealousy, and a means of revenge. Some things children should not have to know about their parents, maybe not ever, maybe not until they are much older.

That doesn’t make living with it any easier. Especially with the mother placed on so high a pedestal. I could hold up the thousands of loads of laundry, dishes, trips to the doctor, school volunteering efforts, as evidence that I had nothing but the best interests of my stepchildren in mind. But all that effort seems to disintegrate the moment my stepdaughter boasts about the next big thing her mother has promised her. It is only within the dignity I try so hard to conduct in my own mind that it does not consume me.

I did not grow up from childhood thinking that my epitaph would read “Martyr.” And I do not want that to be my epitaph. Some days I have to tell myself that doing what I’ve been doing has helped my own mental health, that being with my husband is the redeeming factor in this arrangement, that I do live in relative comfort, and that I can take or leave my stepchildren’s loyalty and love. But this sense of injustice brews whenever I’m forced to hear their mother’s name or latest accomplishment. Because I’ve been doing what she should have been doing. And had she been responsible, her jet-set lifestyle would have had two very consequential burdens compromising her ability to just pick up and go whenever her job or social life called for it.

From my vantage point, almost six years in, I can say that I’m not quite a veteran, not quite a newbie, but still finding my way through a veil of confusion that has enough consistency as not to make everything a surprise. I know the tricks the mother will play, I know how to predict how my reactions will play out, I know when my husband will understand me and when he will be at a loss for words. What I cannot predict, however, is possibly the most painful: If the love and investment I have put into these children will show fruition beyond their needs they had as children and if when they are adults if I will be acknowledged in their upbringing. I can tell you from the pit of my soul this is what concerns me. I have no biological heirs, and it is possible that my personal possessions and legacy will be left in their hands. Since I am an atheist I know that when I am dead I will not have any faculties to feel rejection or the amnesia that exists with our dead loved ones. But I have no one to pass along the legacy of my own ancestors, and I fear that the mother’s impressions upon them will prevail to the point that my positive influences, traditions, idioms, and idiosyncrasies will have been in vain. And most importantly, that they were raised by a childless woman who wanted nothing but to be devoted to them, and that they are worthy of love from a woman who did not owe them that love.

Maybe you, Dear Reader, could construe this to be a selfish tirade by a childless woman, but I do not consider myself to be childless in that I have held the lives of two precious children in my hands. In all honesty, I am not very concerned about my legacy. Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. Soon all of us will be nothing but a number in some dusty annal kept on a digital file. And after that, in four billion years, the sun will devour the earth. All that matters is love.

I try very hard to remember this as I labor over dishes and laundry. If this is my purpose, then I will bear the burden of that. It’s just hard to believe that this was meant to be my fate. So much angst tethered to so much love. And that someone would so willfully give that away. I just can’t fathom it.

Evenstar

It's about to get real...

As most of you know, BM is about to spew forth her new spawn into the world. I already feel sorry for this kid and she hasn't even been born yet.

I've been tense for over a week just waiting. Why do I think shit is about to hit the fan? Because it almost always does with her.

Want to know my two long term predictions? This is going to go one of two ways....

Scenario Number 1:

BM - is going to be all involved with the new kid and she's going to start neglecting the kids she already has. They are going to start getting MORE tardies because she can't be bothered to get them to school on time. They aren't going to get their homework done because she's too busy. They are going to start acting out more and more.

Step-Dad - is going to completely fall of the radar for my steps. According to BM, he is going to "work from home" and start picking the kids up everyday from school. Once BM goes back to work, he's going to decide "it's too hard" and SS is going to end up back in daycare, SD is going to demand to ride to bus to our house everyday and we'll go right back to the way things were.

SD - is going to go back to hating her mother and cling to me for life support because she's going to feel replaced.

SS - is going to do the crap he's been doing to my BD for years (being mean, punching, hitting) to the new baby and it's finally going to dawn on BM and Step Dad that he has a problem. Then they are promptly going to make US deal with it.


Scenario Number 2

Step - Dad - is going to abandon ship.

BM - is going to fall back to letting the kids do whatever they want

SD - is going to continue her mothering of BM and start mothering the baby because BM won't do it.

SS - is going to go even more crazy and get worse about not listening because he has no guidance whatsoever.

It's going to be interesting to see what is going to happen. I know I shouldn't worry about any of this considering I can't control what happens over there, but I like to plan. Even if I'm wrong, I like to know what I'm walking into. Of course, they could completely throw me for a loop and everything could just be great, but I doubt it. We'll see....

There once was a boy...

This post has little to do with step parenting but plenty to do with blended family situation in my mind.

When I was in high school, there was a boy.

He wasn't especially cute, he wasn't particularly witty. He was extremely tall and rather preppy. Through some freak incident of nature we became best friends. Upon getting to know him (and the fact that I was 15 and hormones were going C.r.a.z.y), I developed a rather large crush on him.

We never dated. Ever.

I honestly don't know why. There were plenty of opportunities really. Our junior year, I pissed him off pretty bad (I was in my self rightious judgement phase and cursed him out and hung up on him because he was on drugs when he called me, apparently without a spot, and wigged him out). We made up eventually, I remember making plans to go to the movies and it never panning out. I remember being invited to parties, and going, only to end up being ignored by him and getting flirted with by other guys. I remember long car rides where he took me home even though I lived clear across the city from him.

Then in college, he came over one day after I had been dumped by some guy. I was heartbroken. After I finished my two hour word vomit about it, he kissed me. Told me to think about that. And he left.

Two days later he asked me what I thought about it and I told him I needed more time to get over this douchebag. He took offense and I have rarely spoken to him since.

Maybe three or four conversations in eight years. Never lasting more than a few minutes.

I do know that he's a doctor now. An ER doctor. He's on wife number 2. I think I heard somewhere that wife number 1 cheated and left him. He has no kids that I know of. I don't know if that's because he doesn't want them or if he can't have them. I have it on good authority that he and wife number 2 are very happy, which of course makes me happy.

It's funny because when things get REALLY bad at home (with the kids), I fleetingly wonder what would my life have been like if I had told him yes, I wanted to date. If his timing was better. If I hadn't been such a self rightious prick. Obviously, my life would have turned out very differently. Literally, the path my life has gone would probably never have happened.

Would I have turned out the same? Would we still be together? Would we have kids? Would we have gotten married? Sometimes I dream of a life that never happened. When my heart is broken by something ridiculous that I have no control over. When I wish for things to be simple. Sometimes I regret a kiss not returned. A path not taken.

But then I remember, I am where my choices took me. Of course I can fantasize about a life that never happened and think about all the wonderful things that MIGHT have happened because they DIDN'T. We could've lasted a week and then broken up and hated each other forever. He could've knocked me up and not gotten to finish his doctorate and dispised me for ruining his dreams. I could've dropped out of school. There are literally a ton of different things that could have happened had our lives lined up at the same time.

I'll never know the outcome of that relationship, though I'm glad he's happy. I'm happy with my life most of the time. I know this is where I need to be. Even when BM makes me want to spit nails or SD breaks my heart or SS is a shithead, I know this is where I need to be.

And that makes everything okay, but I wonder, how many of the rest of us step mothers dream about a proposal un taken from our younger days? Especially when things get crazy.

All I feel is pain

I was searching through the girls room last night, attempting to find my new red nail polish (I had let the girls borrow it, and surprise, they had actually put it back in my bathroom) and I came across SD's journals.

I haven't seen them in a long time. One I gave her when she was erasing, as an outlet for her feelings. The other was apparently a birthday present from one of her friends this past October. Now, due to the way SD has been behaving in the past, I read them both. I won't tell her that I read them, but I think that it doesn't hurt to make sure that everything is on the up and up.

Most of it was your typical teenage bullshit. Boys, boys, and more boys. No mention of the 17 year old, which I found interesting. But plenty of mention of the rest of them.

However it was the entries after the whole blow up with her mother that basically brought me to tears. It's just so painful to read. The poor kid has been through so much stuff. I mean she has been the center of this "war" that BM has been waging against DH and everyone else since she as seven years old. BM is in an emotionally abusive relationship and she's condoning it by using the excuse (get this) that DH treated her WORSE. Which even SD knows is a lie, but BM continues to tell her own child this. BM uses her for a friend and condifant. Hell, SD spends more of her time mothering BM than BM does mothering SD. SD never got a chance to be a child.

It breaks my damn heart.

She made the comment that the therapist has made her realize that it's not her mother, it's her stepdad. Or her stepdad's influence on her mother. Which I agree with to a point. BM is still batshit crazy and a manipulative bitch, but now I wonder if she doesn't act so mean to DH because she realizes she screwed up. Grass wasn't greener on the other side, was it bitch?

Being a stepmother hurts all the time. The heartbreak from watching this and always being on edge just makes me hurt all the time. I worry so much for these kids. And ALL I can do is just hold on and hope that I'm promoting a peaceful enough household to sustain all of them....*sigh*

When BM decides to be a parent

It hurts...

I understand logically that SD and SS need their mother to be their mother. I get it. I really do.

What bothers me is that is has taken almost six years for BM to see that she wasn't being a parent, specifically to SD, and has requested "another chance".

I don't really believe that you should ever get to the point where you have to ask your own kid to give you a second chance to be a fucking parent....but that's beside the point.

DH and I have always supported SD in her hopes and dreams. SD wanted to do roller derby, we did all the research, determined that she could try out when she turned 13 and went about our business. Now the whole thing is okay because BM thinks it's a great idea. Which granted, I know that it makes OUR lives harder if we want SD to do something that BM doesn't approve of but it hurts. It specifically hurts DH. We have done everything we can to foster SD's dreams and BM hasn't. Now she's on board and it's like the world is shitting rainbows and glitter.

I can't give SD the motherly love she wants and needs. I know that. She knows that. She has a mother. It makes me sad that I have to sit there and watch this train wreck of a mother/daughter relationship and there's nothing that I can do or say to stop it from happening. When this new daughter is born, BM is going to be so consumed with this kid, that she's going to neglect SD again. SD's going to lash out and we are going to bear the brunt of her behavior because we always do. It's entirely unfair.

Hilarity....

Now I understand that PBF (Psycho Bitch Face aka BM) lives in an alternate reality. I also understand that no amount of us "stating the facts" or "trying to tell her she's wrong" is going to get through her head. It's really a fruitless gesture, thought the last e-mail she sent over the weekend, REALLY makes me want to try. Such GLARING conflicts with this information she presents us and the facts. SO bad that I'm still bugging about it on Monday when the e-mail came over on Friday....*sigh*.

So my solution, as per usual is to blog about it.

Background so you'll know what I'm talking about when I respond to this crazy thing, when BM sent us the original e-mail Wednesday night, DH did not respond well. We were pretty harsh. I mean, why in the hell does she think that her little 6/8 schedule would be so much better for the kids? Why does she balk so hard at 50/50? Of course, I have my opinions (as I'm sure you do...money money money) but her response was priceless (and yes we brought up the CPS thing as well....)

Her response....that SHE was the only one concerned with their "academics". SHE was the only one concerned about their SAFETY and well being and all we seemed to want to do was be the fun parents. Then once SD's freedom was taken away at OUR house, SD didn't want to see us anymore....and she uses the example of SD not having an iPhone because of HER and how we gave BD one....

Oh, and...(and this is the best part), what her husband did to SD (you know, slapping her across the face and blacking her fucking eye) was essentially the same as when I "refused" to pack SD a sandwich in her lunch and dumped a plate of food on my kids head, and when my "mother" sprayed BD in the face with a soda....and she didn't give a shit if it was just a sandwich, I was trying to prove a POINT....

So...as I'm sure you can guess...everything written in those two paragraphs is complete and utter bullshit. And honestly, I'd love to set her straight. Since it will do no good, I'm typing MY response here. Just to get it the hell out of me, so maybe I can stop getting irritated about this stupid shit...

BM,

I'm well aware you despise the ground I walk on, and aren't going to listen to a damn thing I have to say, but I felt compelled to respond to your last little tirade instead of DH. This one takes the cake. Seriously. I've known for quite some time that you have a tendancy to "bend" the truth to pacify yourself, but man, this last e-mail, woman, you are a straight up delusional...

You are more concerned than DH about the kids academics....This coming from the woman who was going to school herself and couldn't even bother herself to take FIVE FUCKING MINUTES out of her day to go through her son's backpack for over a year.....OVER A YEAR BM. During the entire time SD has been in middle school, you haven't been to an open house one, nor could you be bothered to come to SS's this year. Sure, you've suddenly started being the grade Nazi and sending e-mails to all the kids teachers with your perceived "concern" about their struggles...I really wasn't aware that straight A's (for SS) and all A's and ONE B (for SD) was a struggle....sounds to me like both those kids are kicking ass at school....and DH is the one helping them with all their homework...oh you might be engineering SD's science project (the one you are forcing her to do btw) but one project a year does not mother of the year make sweetheart....

As far as their safety, we already know that you don't agree with anything that goes on in our house, but I feel like I need to make two points here. Number one, BD does not have an iPhone. She has an iTouch. I know you know the difference because your own mother bought SD an iTouch and she broke it. Remember that? Remember how you took it from her and brought it to court so you could show your attorney e-mails while we were waiting for the judge? Yeah, that's not an iPhone dear...

Second, SD actually wanting to spend time with you now has NOTHING to do with being punished at our house sweetheart. It has to do with the fact that you decided to step up and be her fucking mother for once. After you had to beg your own daughter for a second chance...pathetic...All your daughter wants from you is attention. You hate me because she clings to me like a life raft. She just wants a motherly love. If you would give that to her on a regular basis instead of when she's decided she's through with you, you might actually see a regular SD/SM relationship form between her and I. Just saying.

Now, for the big one. I honestly can not believe that you are likening physical ABUSE to me forgetting to pack SD a sandwich. I KNOW you have been told what happened that day and are warping it to make your precious little husband seem better but here it is again. The day in question, I woke up at 4 AM in so much pain that I COULD NOT BREATH. I hadn't packed anyone lunches that morning. I packed BOTH girls chips, a drink, a snack, AND A PREPACKED COUNT OF SIX PEANUT BUTTER/CHEESE CRACKERS INSTEAD OF A SANDWICH. Yes, INSTEAD. Once they were off to school, I went to the doctor and then got stuck in the hospital all afternoon while the doctors were convinced I was going to up and die with a blood clot all of the sudden. Yes, when your daughter came to me and bitched about not having a sandwich I got butthurt because she was not the least bit concerned that I had been in fucking hospital all day, she was just concerned that she didn't have a goddamn sandwich in her lunch. I told her straight up that I packed her lunch out of the kindness of my heart and if she didn't like it, she could make her own from here on out. I DID NOT do any of it to "prove a point". And sorry, but that whole thing is not abuse and you are batshit crazy if you think it is. Not to mention it happened four fucking years ago. In addition, the food on the head story is seriously getting old. It's tired and the only reason you keep using it after five years is because I happen to be a good fucking step parent and YOU CAN'T STAND IT. Oh, and my MOTHER did not spray BD in the face with soda. That was my GRANDMOTHER, and it was a fucking ACCIDENT.

So these three things....over a five year period.....are all you want to bitch about....and all these are abuse according to you, and just as bad as your husband laying hands on SD. It breaks my heart that you believe this shit. It really does. That you won't, not for two seconds, take a step back and look at what a piece of shit you married. Oh wait, but that would require you admitting you are wrong....and we all know that won't happen.

And finally, I'm sure you are doing it to irritate me, but I know you know how to spell my first name correctly. You do it on all the kids forms and paperwork and most of the time in e-mail. Except when you are pissed at either DH or I. Bless your little heart....It's a really sweet tell....

Oh....and piss off,
SM

Sometimes...

Last night I took a bubble bath.

I cried, for a good ten minutes while I was in there....

Sometimes this step mother thing, it's too fucking hard. It's heartbreaking and soul sucking and I feel like I can't handle it. I want to throw up my hands and walk away and say I don't give a shit anymore. I don't CARE if the kids want to live with their mother all the time. I don't CARE that she talks shit about us at every opportunity and tries to turn the kids against us. That I just don't care...

But I do...and that's what is breaking my heart...

BM and SD had a conversation a few weeks ago, when all the crazy shit went down. Basically SD said she was tired of the back and forth and she thought it only made sense for her to stay with us full time. Of course, BM only took the portion of THAT conversation that she wanted, the "I'm tired of the back and forth" and decided to make alternate schedules. Well Wednesday night, SD comes down the stairs and BM is working on an Excel spreadsheet schedule. BM offers a 6 days with us and 8 days with her schedule and an alternate of every Thursday with us and Friday through Monday overnight the first, third, and fifth weekends of the month. Both schedule's flipping in the summer. BM asks SD which one she likes and SD says the 6/8. Then SS comes down the stairs and BM asks him. SS asks SD which one she picked and SD wouldn't tell him, so he stalled and then finally, when pressed said 6/8 and asked SD if that's what she picked...

Then of course, in typical BM fashion, she sends us an e-mail stating the kids came to HER and offered their schedule ideas and she is simply presenting them to DH....

Now obviously, we have issues with BM having the kids for 8 straight days. It's bad enough that she talks about us the way she does to the kids now, and forces them to drink the PAS koolaid, but her having them for eight straight days?!?!?! Not okay with that. Of course DH talked to SD and SD said she didn't want to do that anymore, blah blah blah.

I'm just so heartbroken. WHY can't BM just leave the kids alone? Why does this constantly have to be a fucking competition to try to get the kids to love her more? Why can't she just leave everything alone?

Of course, my nagging stepmother sixth sense is telling me that she wants us to enter into an agreed order that way we loose everything prior to this. The whole CPS thing, the whole SD not wanting to live with her. Everything....which is why I am digging my heels in.

She has an agenda...of that I'm sure. I just want her to leave the kids out of it. This isn't fair...

What I deserve....

(Disclaimer: This post does NOT in any way shape, fashion, or form, mean my marriage is in any hot water or jeopardy or anything else. My marriage is perfectly fine.)

I've survived a whoooooole bunch of needless shit in my life. Shit that one wouldn't wish on their worst enemy.

I was joking with my Mom the other night, that it was a pure fluke that with no therapy, only my pure will, my friends, and my family, have I managed to work through it all and turn out the way I did. Sometimes I'm convinced I'm a badass.

Other times I'm not so sure. The doubt sneaks up and laces into my brain and tries to make me feel like I'm less of a person. That I'm NOT so awesome. I'm NOT as strong as I think I am. I'm NOT so badass....

Sadly, that generally happens when the seasons change from summer to fall. I get nostalgic and sometimes not in a good way.

So I wanted to write this blog for me. For when I get that feeling that I'm not as awesome as I think I am. So I can see and re-affirm in my head what I deserve, because at the end of the day, I DO deserve to have the best. I deserve to be happy. Not because of everything I've been through, but because I'm NOT a victim. Because I worked long and hard to get where I am today and I SHOULD be proud, because I have EARNED my right to be this badass. I have faced the demons and come out on the other side, slightly scarred, but healed on the inside and out. I AM OKAY.


What I deserve.

I deserve to have a love that is fierce. That is long and unending and will never die. I deserve to have a love that doesn't rely on the physical at all times. A love that is just as comfortable on the couch watching a movie as it is in between the sheets. A love that will risk all because they think I, little old me, is worth it all. I deserve friendships that are unwavering. Even over the course of life and time. Friendships that can have intelligent bantering conversations about opposite views and make it through without hurt feelings and heartbreak. I deserve people who will stand behind me, even if I'm wrong, because they love me anyway, and gently nudge me back to the right without ever having to say a word. I deserve a good job. One I enjoy. It may not pay great, and I may not be busy all the time, but it's a good job and I EARNED it. I deserve to have hobbies that I enjoy. I deserve to enjoy my space at home. I deserve to have nice things. I deserve to ENJOY MY LIFE.

That is what I deserve.

And I'm perfectly, 100 percent okay with all of that.

Hold onto your hats....

As of yesterday, I am officially a stepmother to a TEENAGE GIRL......

To say I can already feel the gray hairs starting is putting it mildly...

I had the random thought this morning in the car that I'd already gone through this (this being teenage-dom) and I wasn't sure I was qualified to guide not one but TWO girls through it. I will regardless, but still, kindof feels like some cruel joke.

Not to mention that as I stare at pictures of my step daughter, I am struck by the thought that this kid DOES NOT look 13....worse, she looks 16. It's hard to see the girl that I met five years ago in her face. That little chubby happy kid that loved pink, riding bikes, and thought I was super duper awesome. Now she's a lady. It's frightening.

Here comes the wild roller coaster ride that all parents dread....and she's just the first in a line of them. Weeeee......

Single White Stepmother

I swear to you guys, I don't have an over-inflated sense of self importance nor is my head swollen with ego.

So when I blog about the following, please understand that I am aware 1) I am not the only person who dyes their hair red on the planet. 2) I am not the only person who has bangs on the planet.

DH and I preach to the kids about the importance of being yourself. About being an individual and not apologizing if your way of thinking/feeling/looking irritates someone else. Never compromise your morals for the benefit of the pack. That sort of thing. Not only do we preach this because DH and I are far from ordinary but I remember growing up and thinking I had to fit in some sort of mold so I would have friends. It took me quite a while to figure out that the people I was trying to mold myself FOR were not necessarily worth my effort.

In addition, BM is very much into the whole "I must conform to what society thinks I should look like/behave/own, etc." She used to be out there and now she tries to be prim and proper and fit in with the "ideal" that is conservative.

To each his own, whatever, but MY big issue is that BM does not have any opinions/thoughts of her own, she conforms to the ideals of whatever man she is with. When she was with DH, she was out there, and far from ordinary. Now that she is with her current man, she conforms to conservative.

Obviously, because of this, we are very big on keeping an open mind (within reason obviously, they are still children) with all the kids. We want them to be individuals and not feel like they have to cave to what society expects them to think/feel/look.

About four months ago, I found a gray hair in the front of my hair. Rather than pull it, I cut myself bangs.

Three weeks later, my step-daughter got her hair cut into bangs.

I dyed my hair back to red in June. Two weeks ago, SD got permission from BM to dye her hair with temporary dye...she dyed it red....

I made the mistake of admitting to DH that it was a little creepy. A little too single white female for me...he got offended. It wasn't my intent to offend, but it does creep me out a little. When I was married before, my ex's step sister decided she wanted to be exactly like me. She started dressing like me, cut her hair like mine, dyed her hair like mine (and I went through about four different haircolors in an attempt to make it stop, didn't work), the whole nine yards.

I know it's supposed to be flattering that she wants to model herself after me, and I apriciate the sentiment, but I want her to be on her own person. I don't want her to think she has to carbon copy me, nor do I think (which is honestly what I expect is REALLY going on) it's healthy for her to model herself after me to piss her mother off. It concerns me basically.

Do I honestly think she's going to single white female me? No. She's 12, I mean I have some sense. Nor do I think that I'm the only red head with bangs that she knows. I just wonder what the reasoning behind this whole transformation is.

And it could be nothing. It could be she didn't even think about me when she decided these things. I could be looking at nothing, just a 12 year old, wanting to be different than what she is. Which is fine.

It's just a little weird...

Melancholia

It happens every year....in August....right before my birthday....

I always soul search.

Sometimes it's to get perspective. Sometimes it's to figure out how to make next year better. Sometimes it's to assess damages. Regardless, it happens every.single.year.

This time, I stumbled upon my old Livejournal. The last entry was from before I moved here so four plus years ago. I went back and read to the very beginning.

It was HARD....

I kept wanting to kick myself, preferably in the face if possible, for being so fucking STUPID. I chronicled almost every single relationship (or lack thereof) that I had from my divorce until right after I met my husband. Dear...goddess....I was a total freaking idiot.

I know I was young. I know I had to learn from my mistakes. I think the experiences turned me into a fairly decent person. I know it confirmed for me that taking that time off to be single before I met my husband was DEF for the best.

But I noticied something about myself...something I'm not entirely sure I'm happy about.

I am a rescuer.

Every.single.fucking.relationship.I.have.ever.had. The ones I can recall with clarity. Every.one.

I find these boys, that have nothing. I go above and beyond to get them back on their feet, back to the point where they are a functioning human being. Once they get there, generally, I'm discarded, of no further use. I struggle, and bust my ass for these people, to make something of their lives. And then, I have to start all over again.

One question occured to me while pointing all this out to myself....

Who is going to be there for me? When I finally can't stack anything else on my shoulders.... when I can't take it anymore and this strong woman that I know just crumbles under the pressure of it all....who is going to pick up MY peices?

What happens when the self-rescuing princess simply cannot rescue herself anymore? What happens when she needs help? Who is there for her then?

This brings me to tears. As selfish as it sounds and IS, after everything I have done, for all these people, I'm TIRED of being the responsible one. I'm TIRED of picking up everyone elses peices. I'm TIRED of rescuing everyone else.

I have allowed myself to be used as a set of stairs. A ladder for others to climb to get back on top, and leave me below. That's not to say I haven't been able to climb a few rungs for myself, I have. I have managed to get pretty far in life with the drive I have. But I've been pushing everyone else up farther. I've felt that I need to HELP anyone who needs helping. I'm finally to the point in my life where I'm starting to be comfortable and I am NOT going to give that up. By any stretch of the imagination. I worked my ass off to get here. I worked my ass off to get my husband here. And by god, I'm going to keep climbing and keep making it for as long as I can manage.

I just hope by then, if I slip and fall down a few rungs, my husband will catch me. And that doesn't mean that I think he wouldn't. I KNOW without a doubt my husband loves me more than anything on this earth, and I him. The problem is that I've rescued him as well, I don't know if he knows HOW to help me if I were to fall....and that's not HIS fault, it's all MINE.

I'm hanging up my crown. I rescue no one else. I'm tired from the weight of it all. If BM decides she's going to turn into a crazy loon again, I will not deal with it. I'll be supportive as always but I refuse to bare the brunt of her crazy when it's not my burden. Dragging myself into other people's stress and destruction, no more. It's selfish, I admit it, but it's been almost 31 years. 31 LONG years of me doing everything in my power to help EVERYONE else. I simply can't do it anymore. It's time to worry about number 1. Me. My home. My family. My life. My kids. My marriage. M.E.

If that makes me a selfish bitch, so be it.

When do you give up?

A friend of mine has been going through some pretty rough stuff with his kids. Pretty much solely the oldest, male teenager, is drinking the PAS kool-aid pretty hard from his mother and being disrespectful and downright horrible to his Dad. Some stuff went down which I won't get into here, since it's not my story to tell.

However, it did get me to thinking, at what point do we as parents just give up? I know that sounds like a horrible statement to make, but in the blended family and divorce world, especially where PAS runs rampant and no law makers seem to give two shits, it's something that needs to be discussed.

In a normal family relationship, the kid has no where to "run" as it where and must deal with the fact that their parent is being a parent, no matter how much they may or may not like it. Me, I had issues with my father from very early on (for matters that are too private for any online blog and had nothing to do with PAS) so when I hit the teenage years, my mother's word was law and I had to deal.

In a blended family, especially due to the fact that the divorce was almost always messy, and the parties almost always hate each other, the parents can't really co-parent. So you have one set of rules at Mom's and one set of rules at Dad's. This is then again complicated when one parent wants to make the other parent's life miserable, so anything that one parent tries to do, the other parent (no matter how reasonable and helpful the rule is) will disregard and let the kid do whatever they want. They then combine this with smack talk about how the other parent is just trying to "hold the kid back" and "not allowing the child to reach it's full potential."

Sadly, we know it's happening. These teenage kids come home parroting this garbage and we know exactly where it's coming from. And there isn't a.damn.thing we can do about it. We try to show them actions instead of words, we get others involved, we get them to therapy, we get lawyers involved, we get judges involved. No one cares that one parent is having their own child ripped from them little by little.

At some point, after all the fighting, the money gets to be too much. The disrespect gets to be too much. We essentially let the other parent win. We let the kid go to a home where he is being disregarded. Where he is being allowed to get away with murder on a daily basis. Where he is being taught hatred and disrespect is okay. That child grows up with no real role-model to show him how it's done right. Then that child goes into society, meets a significant other, and the cycle starts over again with more children.

Until someone starts taking Parental Alienation Syndrome seriously, I'm scared for the way society is going to be when I'm in my elderly years. I can't throw a stone without hitting someone that is divorced, and their either participating in or being PAS'd. It's utterly disgusting. And it just goes on and on. Because the crux of the matter is HOW to get the PAS'er to CHANGE their behavior. By the time these issues get into court, the child is usually SO brain washed that to remove them would be detrimental to the child. The family law court system is so bogged down with bullshit cases because of THESE parents fighting over dimes and pennies and one less day of visitation here and there that it can't get to these cases to help stop the abuse. The therapists either don't understand or the ones that do can't get the parent to stop screwing up these kids.

And so it goes on and on in this endless cycle of bullshit and pain.

It makes me sad for all the children out there that don't know one of their parents. They think the worst, assuming the worst of that person, when they are wrong. At the end of the day, a child needs both their parents. But hatred, jealously, and narcissism gets in the way.

I really hope, that at the end of day, those children learn better. I really do. I hope that PAS gets brought into the light, and someone with some power can get something done about it. For the sake of the kids. All the kids.

The straw that broke the camel's back....

I've apparently been fooling myself....

I've been sitting here since Easter, thinking to myself, "BM getting prego doesn't bother me." I've been rocking on thinking life is grand and that I'm handling the situation fairly well considering...

And then Tuesday happened.

We were on our way home from vacation, SD gets a call wanting to know when we will be home. I said an hourish, why? SD responds "Oh, they found out what the baby is and Mom wants to share with us when we get home..."

I had to un-grit my teeth several times during the remainder of the drive home. At first, I thought I was just angry because she was butting into our time with the kids. She was getting them Friday after work, why couldn't she wait until then? When we got home, SD went into her room, (with MY BD and SS) and called her mother and proceeded to have a twenty minute conversation (of which I caught bits and peices as I was unpacking all the loads of crap) about the baby.

It's a girl...

My head exploded.

That's the only explination I have for it, it just HIT me, and my head exploded. I went into the girls room to put up some stuff and MY DAUGHTER informed me of what I already knew and I lost control of my tongue biting function. I responded "I really don't give a shit." and walked out. I'm pretty sure BM was still on the phone too...

Then I had to go BACK into the room to put something else up and SD started talking, and my mouth started talking before I could stop it. "I don't want to hear a damn thing about that thing growing in your mother. Your mother is part of the reason I don't get to have any more kids and every single time you bring it up, I want to throw up in my mouth, so just DON'T."

No....not my finest moment. I then proceeded to the bathroom to cry my eyes out...not my finest moment.

I did apologize to SD later and I explained to her that it's hard right now because everyone around me is prego and I can't have anymore children. I explained that it hurts, and I really hope she never understands how much it hurts. I told her I expected her to be excited about her new sister and I didn't begrudge her that, but that it's like a knife stabbing me in the heart everytime I hear about it.

Of course, you know me, I've had time to think about it since then and go over all the details with a fine toothed comb in my head...

I'm irritated about having to give up all of MY dreams and MY hopes and wants because of HER. That's basically what it boils down to. I'm stuck in my current house BECAUSE OF HER. I have to schedule myself to the brink of destruction BECAUSE OF HER. I didn't get to have my dream wedding BECAUSE OF HER. I don't get to have another child mostly BECAUSE OF HER.

It's the curse of being the second wife and it's fucking INFURIATING.

She gets to start over and go be little miss perfect, while I picked up all the pieces of HER old life and had to form them into something livable. She goes off and gets an education while DH and I help the kids SHE gave birth to with theirs. She gets to be selfish and I have to think of EVERYONE else.

To put it mildly....it sucks.

A week of mulling over all this in my head has given me A LOT of perspective of recent events and some behavior on my part that isn't flattering and goes against a lot of my programming but at least I know now.

I KNOW I chose this. I chose DH and all the baggage that came along with him. I chose to love the kids with all my heart. I chose to not go back to school because I wanted to be able to give the kids (his and mine) the full attention THEY deserved to make it through school. I knew from the beginning that DH didn't want any more kids and had taken the steps to make sure there wouldn't be anymore, and I still married him. This was MY CHOICE. Granted, in the dark, that doesn't make it any easier to bear some of the burden that I do, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right???

Right....

Why do we continue to hold onto the hate?

This issue has struck me really HARD today. On the anonymous forum that I post on sometimes (if the mood strikes me), I have noticed a trend of SM's who cannot let anything go that their adult stepkids do....usually I don't even bother with those posts because it's not my situation and while I AM an adult stepkid, I don't think about my step parent because she chooses to ignore me and that's fine. My father replaced my sister and I with her and her family and I wasn't the least bit upset about it.

Today, there was a blog posted where this SM was calling her stepdaughter cheap because she gave her father pictures from her wedding for Father's Day. I almost spit out my coffee because that's exactly what MY sister did for MY father for Father's Day. On a side note I had to go back and read this posters other's blogs because the details were ringing too many bells AND she listed her location as Louisiana, so I'm flipping thinking that it's my stepmother.

But suddenly I have this clear perspective. WHY do we continue to hold onto all this hate? The poster listed this kid as 28 (which is my sister's age) and has obviously been out of her house for quite some time, but the stepmother is still holding onto and complaining about stuff this kid does? Why? Why do you bother yourself with this crap? So WHAT is she behaved like an idiot at her own wedding? So WHAT if she decided that her mother could come at the last second? So WHAT if she "only" gave her father two framed pictures for Father's Day?

And it's not just locked into this one poster, it's locked into almost every SM I've seen post about their adult stepkids. They have to nitpick every single little thing these kids do. They don't call unless they want something. They don't come visit. They expect too much. I'm sure this is how my own stepmother sees me as well. I don't call, I don't visit. I really just don't care. My own father got a message on Facebook for Father's Day and that was it from me. I figured it was par for the course since that's all he did for me on my 30th birthday. Not a card, not even a phone call. And a gift? I haven't given my father a gift in over 10 years. I have a very very very big reason why my father and I aren't close. My stepmother doesn't know this reason and it's not something I plan to post about in this blog. Just suffice to say that if my stepmother knew, I think her opinion of my father would change rather rapidly.

I digress...

This crap is eating us up inside. We are turning into bitter old ladies because of all this gossipy nitpicking shit that we do. Be it over adult stepkids, young stepkids, or our stepkids BM's. I'm guilty of it as well. I obsess over what BM is doing, what's she's thinking, how she's behaving. And ALL it's getting me....is gray hair. That's it. I'll NEVER understand her reasoning because I'm NOT her. Me knowing she's getting married and having a baby doesn't change a god damn thing. It just makes me obsess more. Oh and don't even get me started on if she KNEW I was doing so, she'd probably preen like a peacock.

At the end of the day, all this hate, all this shit that we collect and hold inside, the ONLY person it hurts is us. I'm letting mine go. No, I'll never trust BM ever again, but it's pointless for me to continue to sit here and hate her and obsess about all the shit she's doing. She doesn't effect me. I don't want to turn into a bitter old hag whose miserable unless she has someone to bitch about. I don't want to make my husband miserable because I can't see past my BM hatred to be the woman he fell in love with.

So ladies, if you get a moment, take some deep breaths and let all this bullshit go. Let the hate go. It's not worth it anymore.

Just let it go....

My Apology

Over a year ago, I was invited to partake in a private set of boards run by some close friends of mine that allowed stepparents to vent about their issues in private. Towards the end, things happened, and I made the choice to leave the boards. In doing so, without preamble, I lost some friends and said and did some things I'm not proud of. While I still think the world of the friend I stood up for, I believe I was overly harsh to everyone else in the meantime. That's not me and it's bothered me since. I want to take this space to make an apology to those from that board.

Mimi - Harsh things were said between us after it was all over. I'm big enough to admit now that I understand where you were coming from now and I went about my whole monologue the wrong way. It wasn't my intent to go behind anyone's back and be a drama monger. I admit, when you sent that message to me, I cried for three days straight. My heart broke. It's taken me months to admit it, but the fact that you saw me that way truly killed me. I apologize sincerely for any upset that I caused you and I can admit I fully understand where you were coming from now...

Ann - I have to make a personal apology to you. I don't expect anything in return, no acknowledgement of it or anything else. I simply want to say that I understand you better now. For all our differences, we are both hard headed and stubborn with the best of them. You and I are two different people with two different sets of circumstances and I appriciate that. You seem like a cool woman, and I do have to personally apologize for the "born in a barn" comment. I was overly harsh because I was irritated, not at you, but at the situation. At the time, I had been rallying for someone that I thought would come out clean on the other side, and that very obviously, was not the case. I was feeling taken advantage of and blinded and I lashed out at you when I shouldn't have. For that, and everything else, I'm sorry.

Lisa - You know everything. All our words have been spoken and I love you for accepting my apology and allowing me to be your friend again.

To everyone else - I am sorry for abandoning you all. Deleting everyone off my facebook and bailing seemed like the only available option to me at the time. I sincerely apologize for any hurt that I may have caused by doing so. I don't expect forgiveness from any of you, I just needed to let you know, I am sorry. I miss you all. Every single last one of you.

And lastly, to Foxie - I love you to death you old crone. I'm sorry for bailing the way I did. I know you understood where I was coming from but I still feel badly. When you deleted me, it hurt, and I got a little butthurt by it. What can I say, I'm still young and live in the moment. But, for all that, I miss you terribly.

Everyone in their life does things that they have to atone for, and I feel this is one that I must atone for. Regardless of the circumstances, the words, the feelings, I feel it's only appropriate to write this formal apology to all of you. I have no excuses, I felt I was defending a friend, no matter who was right and who was wrong, everyone will have seperate views about that (which everyone is entitled to), but I was not mature in the way I went about it. For that, and any hurt I caused in the process, I am very sorry.

I sincerely love every single last one of you and can only hope that you will forgive my transgressions.

Mel - Formerly Crazyisnotanoption

Flattery, how I love thee...

Second Hand Wives: 25 Rules for the Bio-Mom from your favorite.... the Step-Mother

I wrote the original list of 15 featured in the above blog back in September of last year. To see the original, you can check out the step parenting website I and my friend Jenny host here:

https://sites.google.com/site/theothermothersite/Downhome/Humor

Obviously the new writer changed bits and pieces to reflect their own story, however, I do have to say I'm flattered someone cares for my sense of humor. :)

The list was posted on a private website hosted by an old friend and my other step mother friends added to it. Then a well known stepdad posted the list in it's entirety on website called StepTalk, as seen here:

http://www.steptalk.org/node/50592

I feel specials....:)

Sometimes, you run across a gem...

A friend of mine sent me a link to a webpage this weekend, as she loves to do. She let me know that when she saw it, she thought of me (and another mutual friend) and just had to send it over.

The website is http://wearestepfamilies.com/

Now I pre-warn you, that I haven't read most of the site (mostly due to this is the first opportunity I've had to absorb anything from the website and my work computer isn't really digging the format of the website apparently). In the step family forum, it's really hard to find blogs or websites designed by people that don't hate their stepkids or aren't harrowing in the horrors of their step families lives. While I know that what some people go through truly is terrible, it bothers me that's all that's out there in terms of literature. How NOT to get involved with someone with kids. How to know the signs when you should get out of a blended family relationship. My opinion has always and will always be that you should make sure your significant other has some balls to stand up for you before you get involved in a relationship with that person.

But that's not really what I wanted to talk about this morning...

The first article on the website when I viewed it was one about step-parents, written by a step-dad. Most of the time I skip over those articles because I fully believe that step-dad's have it a lot easier than most step-mom's. However, this article made a point that really stuck in my Monday morning, under-stimulated brain. "I am proud to NOT be my step-son's Dad because he loves me, not because he's told to, but because of what I do for him." I'm para-phrasing, but that's the gist of it.

And honestly, it make me stop, think, and suddenly feel really special.

My step-kids do love me. Not because they have been TOLD to love me, but because they do. Because my actions over the past five years have "earned" their love as it were. They aren't FORCED to love me because I gave birth to them, because I share half their genetic code. They love me because they WANT to love me. To me...that one little statement lights up my insides with happiness. Even if they get mad at me because I yell at them, or if they are being rotten little teenagers with their hormones a blaze, they still love me, because they want to.

And I love them...because I want to.

That's a really good feeling...

Sharing

Warning: The following entry is likely to be petty and stupid.

However, if I don't get this out I'll explode.

When DH and I got together, he had a dog. I've never been much of a dog person, but this dog rules. He's the sweetest, most awesome dog I have ever been around and I love him to pieces. The dog was a purchase made by DH about six months before SD was born, so yes, he was purchased during the marriage to BM. When BM left after cheating on DH for a while, DH kept the dog and BM took her cat.

It's been six years since she's seen the dog. Six years since she asked about the dog. The one time we forgot to put the dog up and she came to door, the dog growled and snapped at her (he's overly protective of his home).

The dog is 13. His quality of life is declining and DH and I have been having serious discussions about putting the dog down. It's hard and painful for all of us but especially for DH and SD. But all dog lovers know, their good days almost make you forget their age and make those trips to the vet halt. DH and I have done our best to prepare the kids (mine and his two) for the day when the dog passes away.

The big discussion with the kids happened two weeks ago. Last night was the first night BM showed to get the kids before I got home for her visitation. As soon as BM pulled into the driveway, she texted my SD that she wanted to see the dog. SD tells DH. DH says no, it would be too hard on the dog. DH does his normal thing, opens the door just wide enough to let the kids out and closes the door, doesn't speak to BM.

I get home, DH tells me this and I got angry. I realize I'm being really stupid, but as far as I'm concerned, that dog is no longer her dog. I've been taking care of the dog throughout his elderly years, the dog sleeps at MY feet. It's MY dog. I don't claim the kids as my own, I'm fully aware that I didn't give birth to them. I live in the house that she and DH picked out together. I'll never get to have children with my DH. But dammit, that's MY DOG.

BM is a drama queen, like most of them. When Dh's grandmother died, she acted an ass. I tried to be understanding because they were together for 12 years. However, considering she cheated and left him for another man, DH's family wanted nothing to do with her. So I totally understand that she was around the dog for seven years. But she hasn't been around him for the past six. And I know damn well that when we decide the date we are putting the dog down and tell the kids (because they deserve to know), they'll tell BM and BM will have an emotional breakdown, call DH and demand that she be present at the vet and she be allowed to come into OUR house and grieve with the children. (Which evil SM over here will not allow to happen, no way in hell)

And I know my anger is not just because she's trying to drama over the dog. It's because there are still ties between them other than the kids. My MIL reminded me that there will come a day when there are no more ties other than the kids but it's just like pouring salt into a fresh wound. It sucks. She did this over the truck that DH had when I met him that apparently her grandfather sold DH. She did this when we put the house on the market the first time. She does it randomly over objects that she may see should the garage be open that she thinks are hers. And I know she'll continue to do it about the kids even after the graduate.

Sometimes I get really aggrivated at being second.

Step-mothering vs. The Teenage Step-Daughter

I pride myself on being a strong woman in general. I also pride myself in being a positive female role model for my step daughter. I’ve been a fixture in her life since she was 7 years old, and having a daughter of my own, I feel like I’ve been given an opportunity to “try it out” before I’m put to the test in many issues. Science Fair projects, homework, fair weather friends, you name it, I’ve done it with my step daughter and I feel it’s better prepared me for when my own daughter faces it.

Until now…

My step daughter has hit the dreaded pre-teen, teenage years. I sit here floundering like a fish out of water because I have NO IDEA what I’m doing (like most parents). And add to this, I’m also, NOT HER PARENT. I’m not her mother. I’m not her father. I get to stand on the sidelines and watch a possible train wreck and there is little to nothing I can do to stop it.

Makeup, inappropriate clothing, cursing, BOYS, bad friends. You name it, in the past four months, it’s become an issue. On one hand, it’s helped me realize that I was being a bit archaic about my morals and principals, but on the other, it makes me want to become an alcoholic.

To put it mildly, I’m terrified.

You see, when you are step mother to a teenage girl, the world turns upside down. You can pretty much bet money that you and her biological mother are two completely different people with two completely different sets of opinions. In my situation, my SD’s BM has admitted to hanging out with boy’s way older than her when she was 12 years old. This led to her smoking cigarettes and smoking pot. Add to this, a mother who wasn’t interested in being a parent, and you have BM moving out to live with her boyfriend when she was 16. Now, I had the fear of God in my mother. While she was lenient to a point, but for the most part, I knew better. I did smoke. I didn’t do it until I was 15 and then became a regular smoker when I was 17. I tried a handful of the lesser drugs at 16. I started dating at 16 and got married at 19. So while I wasn’t the most awesome child either, I was a little later in my stages.

Kids are going to do what kids are going to do. There’s no stopping it. Especially in a day and age where all these things are shoved at them via the internet, the TV, the radio. It doesn’t matter if you cut the cable off, take away their radio, and password protect the computer because they have FRIENDS. And sadly, some of their friend’s parents are not anywhere NEAR as diligent with their children as you are.

Then add to that, you have two different opinions on the parenting front. By now, maybe the biological parents have gotten to a point that they can at least tolerate each other for the betterment of the children. Maybe they haven’t. Either way, these are two people that couldn’t make their relationship work, and their opinions haven’t suddenly morphed to the different. Teenagers can smell blood, sniff out weakness. They know who to go to when they want to do something specific and they know which parent to leave in the dark. For example, your teenage step daughter wants to wear low cut tank tops to school (because it gets her male attention). Dad, obviously, is not going to approve. But SOMEONE is buying these clothes, Mom. With two different households, you can apply rules at your house all day long, but if the other household says it’s okay…there’s not a shitload you can do about it.

Dad says SD can’t date until she’s 16. Mom lets her go out on dates at 13. What can you do? Nothing. You can only hope that you’ve given her the tools to make good decisions and hope like hell she listens.

Not to mention, Men function differently than women do. Men are problem solvers. They see a problem; they attack the problem and do their best to solve it. Women are worriers. They see a problem, address it, and then worry about what the ramifications are for the future.

Can I tell my step daughter not to have a boyfriend at 12? No. I can’t. Neither can her father. Even if we tell her not to, she’s going to do it anyway; she’ll just do it behind our backs. We can’t lock her in the house; she’ll just decide she wants to go live with her mother. We can’t get down on our knees and beg her to make good decisions. She’s going to do what she wants.

It’s so hard as a parent, and especially a step parent to take a step back and go “They are going to do it anyway.” Because I know, in my heart of hearts, that my step daughter, my daughter, and my step son are going to make some bad decisions in their life. They are going to try smoking, nicotine and other wise. They are going to date before I think they are ready. They are going to have premarital sex. They are going to get drunk at a party. AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO STOP IT.

I smoke. DH smokes. BM smokes. BM’s DH smokes. The kids hate it. I can only hope that they see what we all go through (both I and my DH have attempted to quit for extended amounts of time and the kids have been witness to the things we had to go through) and make a decision not to continue. They are going to have sex. I can only help them protect themselves. They are going to go to parties and get wasted. I have to make sure they know to call one of us for a ride home.

I just wish it wasn’t happening so soon. I didn’t think I’d be dealing with any of this until high school. Why now? What has happened in society that 12 is the new 16? I’m not READY for this. The word “teenager” fills me with a sense of dread so potent I get sick to my stomach. The kicker is that I’m not even her biological parent. Even worse, my SD has always been the responsible one.

I wish for chastity belts and bubbles. I really do. But I know that’s not reality and I can’t forcibly voluntarily stunt my children, step or otherwise. It’s in my nature, a parent’s nature, to move mountains to protect the children. I by no means am going to stand idly by and watch her flounder and just go “Oh well, not my kid, not my problem.” I’m going to be there every step of the way. For good or for worse. Sometimes I am going to be “the bad guy”. Sometimes I’m going to be “the confidant”. And there is a very distinct possibility that in the next six years, my step daughter is going to wind up hating the very ground I walk on, but I have to do it. I have to help parent, because I care, because I love her, because I worry for her future.

I do.

Even though I’m just her step mother.