Over a year ago, I was invited to partake in a private set of boards run by some close friends of mine that allowed stepparents to vent about their issues in private. Towards the end, things happened, and I made the choice to leave the boards. In doing so, without preamble, I lost some friends and said and did some things I'm not proud of. While I still think the world of the friend I stood up for, I believe I was overly harsh to everyone else in the meantime. That's not me and it's bothered me since. I want to take this space to make an apology to those from that board.
Mimi - Harsh things were said between us after it was all over. I'm big enough to admit now that I understand where you were coming from now and I went about my whole monologue the wrong way. It wasn't my intent to go behind anyone's back and be a drama monger. I admit, when you sent that message to me, I cried for three days straight. My heart broke. It's taken me months to admit it, but the fact that you saw me that way truly killed me. I apologize sincerely for any upset that I caused you and I can admit I fully understand where you were coming from now...
Ann - I have to make a personal apology to you. I don't expect anything in return, no acknowledgement of it or anything else. I simply want to say that I understand you better now. For all our differences, we are both hard headed and stubborn with the best of them. You and I are two different people with two different sets of circumstances and I appriciate that. You seem like a cool woman, and I do have to personally apologize for the "born in a barn" comment. I was overly harsh because I was irritated, not at you, but at the situation. At the time, I had been rallying for someone that I thought would come out clean on the other side, and that very obviously, was not the case. I was feeling taken advantage of and blinded and I lashed out at you when I shouldn't have. For that, and everything else, I'm sorry.
Lisa - You know everything. All our words have been spoken and I love you for accepting my apology and allowing me to be your friend again.
To everyone else - I am sorry for abandoning you all. Deleting everyone off my facebook and bailing seemed like the only available option to me at the time. I sincerely apologize for any hurt that I may have caused by doing so. I don't expect forgiveness from any of you, I just needed to let you know, I am sorry. I miss you all. Every single last one of you.
And lastly, to Foxie - I love you to death you old crone. I'm sorry for bailing the way I did. I know you understood where I was coming from but I still feel badly. When you deleted me, it hurt, and I got a little butthurt by it. What can I say, I'm still young and live in the moment. But, for all that, I miss you terribly.
Everyone in their life does things that they have to atone for, and I feel this is one that I must atone for. Regardless of the circumstances, the words, the feelings, I feel it's only appropriate to write this formal apology to all of you. I have no excuses, I felt I was defending a friend, no matter who was right and who was wrong, everyone will have seperate views about that (which everyone is entitled to), but I was not mature in the way I went about it. For that, and any hurt I caused in the process, I am very sorry.
I sincerely love every single last one of you and can only hope that you will forgive my transgressions.
Mel - Formerly Crazyisnotanoption
Mel,
ReplyDeleteNoone is perfect. I do understand where you were coming from completely. However, I could not reconcile that with the team of women who had supported me and who I have supported in extreme times of duress. A choice had to be made in that circumstance. Unfortunately, the collateral ended up being you.
I have, since then, spoken of you in private with close friends, battled out my feelings about what happened, cried my own tears, loved you, respected you, and yes - hated your ass for forcing me to make a choice. A choice I would not have chosen if I didnt feel pushed into a corner by the circumstances. Yes - I have verbalised my intense bad feelings towards you and Jenny, I felt very much coming to that time that self involvement had taken you over and it was you two against the world, irrespective of the collateral damage you created - Us. Me. As dramatic as it may seem, and I recognize it is, in such a small world of very close friends, very personal details, I hurt over the choices you made, I made.
Of course I forgive you, I dont expect that in return, however I do feel I had to be honest with you regarding how I felt/feel if there is actually any chance of repairing a relationship once destroyed. I cannot in good conscience say HEYYYY BABY! HOW YOU DOING! Without acknowledging that after you left, Oh - I bitched and moaned about your ass in a private conversation (with 2 people). About some things that should a relationship continue I would prefer (as I hope you would) to address in private.
I am not one to sit here and admit no fault of my own. I recently also had an episode on those boards with a fellow member in which I took my own stand on an issue that I could not remain silent about, and also handled it in a way others might perceive as immature. However, unlike you, I have not yet come to the place where I am regretful of that action and probably never will. So perhaps you are bigger than I in this choice youve made to apologise. I have a great deal of respect for that, yet fail to be able to do so myself for my own recent choices. So props to you, my girl, for I cannot follow in those footsteps.
I have wondered about you, as others have. You were not forgotten. My hurt has dissipated. Sometimes life gets in the way, sometimes it takes a large action and a large amount of hurt to show us our own weaknesses. I understand only too well the fear that comes with an upbringing that has been far from perfect, or a life path chosen that has scarred, and the pain of choices you make hence to protect yourself in the future. You didnt need to protect yourself. You never did need to. You never needed to be scared of that. I hope you know that now. Sometimes, we make self-fulfilling prophecies because its the easiest way to stay 'safe' from hurt and judgement. Im guilty of it.
Anyway, good post, nice read. I enjoyed it.
Much care and thoughts.
Mimi.
I love you Mims....truly I do..thank you. I love you to death and honestly you have every right to feel the way you feel and I totally don't fault you for that in the slightest. Thank you for reading this and responding, you have no idea how much I appriciate it.
ReplyDeleteDoes that mean I should expect to see back on the boards soon?
ReplyDeleteThat's entirely not up to me, nor do I expect it to be. But I fixed my Facebook and my e-mail always works in the interum. :)
ReplyDeleteI am really happy to see this Mel. It takes a lot of courage to stand up and post this for the world to read. I was fortunate enough to miss out on exactly what caused this apology (always the last to know!), but I do hope others who were impacted get to read this and take it to heart.
ReplyDeleteWe each come from radically different backgrounds and have different perspectives, but this is our greatest strength. Our differences are what have always made us such a strong group of women. Our differences are what has allowed each of us to provide support to each other in unique ways. I'd like to think this is a really good example of learning and growing because of our differences.
Thank you for your apology.
Thank you baby girl, it means a lot to me. :)
ReplyDelete