There once was a boy...

This post has little to do with step parenting but plenty to do with blended family situation in my mind.

When I was in high school, there was a boy.

He wasn't especially cute, he wasn't particularly witty. He was extremely tall and rather preppy. Through some freak incident of nature we became best friends. Upon getting to know him (and the fact that I was 15 and hormones were going C.r.a.z.y), I developed a rather large crush on him.

We never dated. Ever.

I honestly don't know why. There were plenty of opportunities really. Our junior year, I pissed him off pretty bad (I was in my self rightious judgement phase and cursed him out and hung up on him because he was on drugs when he called me, apparently without a spot, and wigged him out). We made up eventually, I remember making plans to go to the movies and it never panning out. I remember being invited to parties, and going, only to end up being ignored by him and getting flirted with by other guys. I remember long car rides where he took me home even though I lived clear across the city from him.

Then in college, he came over one day after I had been dumped by some guy. I was heartbroken. After I finished my two hour word vomit about it, he kissed me. Told me to think about that. And he left.

Two days later he asked me what I thought about it and I told him I needed more time to get over this douchebag. He took offense and I have rarely spoken to him since.

Maybe three or four conversations in eight years. Never lasting more than a few minutes.

I do know that he's a doctor now. An ER doctor. He's on wife number 2. I think I heard somewhere that wife number 1 cheated and left him. He has no kids that I know of. I don't know if that's because he doesn't want them or if he can't have them. I have it on good authority that he and wife number 2 are very happy, which of course makes me happy.

It's funny because when things get REALLY bad at home (with the kids), I fleetingly wonder what would my life have been like if I had told him yes, I wanted to date. If his timing was better. If I hadn't been such a self rightious prick. Obviously, my life would have turned out very differently. Literally, the path my life has gone would probably never have happened.

Would I have turned out the same? Would we still be together? Would we have kids? Would we have gotten married? Sometimes I dream of a life that never happened. When my heart is broken by something ridiculous that I have no control over. When I wish for things to be simple. Sometimes I regret a kiss not returned. A path not taken.

But then I remember, I am where my choices took me. Of course I can fantasize about a life that never happened and think about all the wonderful things that MIGHT have happened because they DIDN'T. We could've lasted a week and then broken up and hated each other forever. He could've knocked me up and not gotten to finish his doctorate and dispised me for ruining his dreams. I could've dropped out of school. There are literally a ton of different things that could have happened had our lives lined up at the same time.

I'll never know the outcome of that relationship, though I'm glad he's happy. I'm happy with my life most of the time. I know this is where I need to be. Even when BM makes me want to spit nails or SD breaks my heart or SS is a shithead, I know this is where I need to be.

And that makes everything okay, but I wonder, how many of the rest of us step mothers dream about a proposal un taken from our younger days? Especially when things get crazy.