I've apparently been fooling myself....
I've been sitting here since Easter, thinking to myself, "BM getting prego doesn't bother me." I've been rocking on thinking life is grand and that I'm handling the situation fairly well considering...
And then Tuesday happened.
We were on our way home from vacation, SD gets a call wanting to know when we will be home. I said an hourish, why? SD responds "Oh, they found out what the baby is and Mom wants to share with us when we get home..."
I had to un-grit my teeth several times during the remainder of the drive home. At first, I thought I was just angry because she was butting into our time with the kids. She was getting them Friday after work, why couldn't she wait until then? When we got home, SD went into her room, (with MY BD and SS) and called her mother and proceeded to have a twenty minute conversation (of which I caught bits and peices as I was unpacking all the loads of crap) about the baby.
It's a girl...
My head exploded.
That's the only explination I have for it, it just HIT me, and my head exploded. I went into the girls room to put up some stuff and MY DAUGHTER informed me of what I already knew and I lost control of my tongue biting function. I responded "I really don't give a shit." and walked out. I'm pretty sure BM was still on the phone too...
Then I had to go BACK into the room to put something else up and SD started talking, and my mouth started talking before I could stop it. "I don't want to hear a damn thing about that thing growing in your mother. Your mother is part of the reason I don't get to have any more kids and every single time you bring it up, I want to throw up in my mouth, so just DON'T."
No....not my finest moment. I then proceeded to the bathroom to cry my eyes out...not my finest moment.
I did apologize to SD later and I explained to her that it's hard right now because everyone around me is prego and I can't have anymore children. I explained that it hurts, and I really hope she never understands how much it hurts. I told her I expected her to be excited about her new sister and I didn't begrudge her that, but that it's like a knife stabbing me in the heart everytime I hear about it.
Of course, you know me, I've had time to think about it since then and go over all the details with a fine toothed comb in my head...
I'm irritated about having to give up all of MY dreams and MY hopes and wants because of HER. That's basically what it boils down to. I'm stuck in my current house BECAUSE OF HER. I have to schedule myself to the brink of destruction BECAUSE OF HER. I didn't get to have my dream wedding BECAUSE OF HER. I don't get to have another child mostly BECAUSE OF HER.
It's the curse of being the second wife and it's fucking INFURIATING.
She gets to start over and go be little miss perfect, while I picked up all the pieces of HER old life and had to form them into something livable. She goes off and gets an education while DH and I help the kids SHE gave birth to with theirs. She gets to be selfish and I have to think of EVERYONE else.
To put it mildly....it sucks.
A week of mulling over all this in my head has given me A LOT of perspective of recent events and some behavior on my part that isn't flattering and goes against a lot of my programming but at least I know now.
I KNOW I chose this. I chose DH and all the baggage that came along with him. I chose to love the kids with all my heart. I chose to not go back to school because I wanted to be able to give the kids (his and mine) the full attention THEY deserved to make it through school. I knew from the beginning that DH didn't want any more kids and had taken the steps to make sure there wouldn't be anymore, and I still married him. This was MY CHOICE. Granted, in the dark, that doesn't make it any easier to bear some of the burden that I do, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right???
Right....
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